she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
