A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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