if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
