I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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