Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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