in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It's blow job season.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
