Your face is a jimmy john
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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