you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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