I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
