Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
