When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
