there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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