That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
