Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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