I'm sorry my penis didn't work
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
