hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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