your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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