How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Rumble strips road head = magical
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
