Whod you bang
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
