I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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