My balls are so social today.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
