Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
