I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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