I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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