I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
