Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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