my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
