My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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