How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
