boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
