It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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