Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize