I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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