I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
you had me at cake vodka
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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