I murdered the dance floor call the cops
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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