I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
