kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
