He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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