Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
