SEEEEXXX PLEASE
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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