May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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