Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
