I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
