I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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