why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
