Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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