What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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