Sorry, I don't speak sober.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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