The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
