i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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