This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
