I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
