I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You took a bar mat shot.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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