My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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