One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
