im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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