Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize