Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
