also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This is classic penis vs brain.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
