my soul wont recognize me after tonight
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
