Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize