Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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