Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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