I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
