you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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