Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
