my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
