He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
