I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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