my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
